As everyone else i have fond memories of Christmas/Halloween/Bonfire Night as a child. I remember them as some of the most happiest days in my childhood but now as an adult i really don’t enjoy them and almost dread this time of year. I still remember the year I had my eldest daughter and i was all excited to see her first Halloween Christmas etc but when it came along i struggled to cope with people being in the house and trying to take over. I had postnatal depression at the time and due to her being my husbands mums first grand child she wanted to share all the firsts and would come over from Pakistan to stay for weeks on end. This really didn’t do my depression and anxiety any good and didn’t help when my husband just never seemed to understand how i was feeling. This then crept into my sons first Christmas and continued in a continuous cycle and made me begin to hate the idea of them coming a long as i knew if they weren’t here physically in the house they were sat watching every move over skype. Which in turn meant my day was ruled around their schedule and the kids weren’t able to come down and have that Christmas morning until their dad had set up laptops and if that wasn’t working had found cameras to record every little thing. Its made it more like a show case then family time for us all to enjoy and have fun as he never did it as a child due to being from a Muslim country. Don’t get me wrong its not like its from a different religion and doesn’t celebrate Christmas he is a Christian so has but in a different way.
Now 10 years down the line i really dread this time of year my anxiety sky rockets and i turn into the worst grump in the world. I could take scrooge on and probably win. I hate the decorations and hate the build up to it all and can’t wait for it to be over and done with. I really hate that i feel like this as i know i could make this time of year more special for the children and do all sorts of things but then that silly little voice in my head creeps in and reminds me how disappointed I get every year as i stupidly think it maybe different but never has done.
This year i have decided i am going to try my hardest to but those thoughts to the back of my head and do things with the kids, so this year i went to my mums for Halloween left ours at 8am and didn’t get home till just after 10pm. We craved pumpkins and decorated jam jars for LED tealights to go in, decorated the front of the house, dressed up and went out Trick and Treating in the cold with smiles on our faces and had a nice day even through i didn’t want to go and would have stayed home but i promised myself i would try to make this days as nice as possible for the kids.
Today the husband took the elder kids to a firework display something he hasn’t done before with them as normally he prefers to stay home, the toddler and me had to stay home as we are full of colds and its freezing out there but when the big ones got home she got to join in the fun and had a sparkler with the big ones in the garden. Might be a small thing but its a big thing for me as i get panicky around things she does as she is so clumsy and with her intoeing she trips a lot. You should have seen the smile on her face while she was moving it around and shouting look mummy fire fire. (Didn’t calm my nerves though)
I just need to try and make Christmas a big special one and remember that life is too short to panic and struggle because we don’t know when our time is up. Think hearing news about someone close to the family being out of remission again and having to go through treatment for cancer again its made me realise i need to try and push through my insecurities and give the kids memories like the ones i had of my childhood. It will be tough and i know days i will want to cry but i now have two great friends who are like family and will help kick me up the arse and help me through the hard days, just wish i had met them all those years ago but thankful they came into my life 2 years ago.